What are these people running from?
They're not!
They're running to...
the world's toughest competition in town:
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Tonight city kids take on country kids.
It's the classic battle between urban dwellers
versus back-road smellers.
So what are you waiting for?
Get fired up for MXC!
And now, here are two guys that never grew up:
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!
Hey, Vic, we got the city kids against the country kids.
Indeed. Uh-huh.
It's gonna be a great one. You know why?
When I was little, I wanted to be the merry-go-round operator.
Ah, very good, Ken.
Working with electronics, kids, hydraulics, the public.
Yeah, yeah. Excellent.
You make it go really fast and the kids puke.
Right you are, Ken.
Hey, Vic, let's show them that thing you made.
Get out of the way! Move!
Okay. Ken, that thing I made is actually
the Vic Romano Career Canister.
It's all a part of my 18,000 hours of community service.
This is my special way of showing kids
that it's never too early to choose a career.
Come on, I want to show you how it works.
Whoa, stinks in there.
Yeah, this is where I do my costume changes.
Sorry about that. Whoo!
Guy's early years were exciting...
Tee-balling, scouting, and sponge baths
with my morbidly obese neighbor lady.
Okay, we begin with Escape from Foster Care,
Lil' Sinkers and Floaters, Irritable Bowl Training,
and Rotating Surfboard of Death, Jr.
Quick, someone bathe me! Skipper?
How many of you think you'd be better off
if your parents discipline you through polite reasoning,
negotiations, and an unconditional reward system?
Show of hands? Now.
Well, you're wrong.
Spineless parenting just creates self-centered,
spoiled brats, whose future will be traveling cross country,
picking up loners, and murdering them.
Oh, I see you're a young man with a dream.
Let me guess, you want to go into pro sports,
make a ridiculous salary,
then use your star status to take advantage of women.
Hmm? Yeah.
Well, what do your parents think? Oh, I don't know.
They're in prison for killing another parent
at one of my youth soccer games.
Let me give you a piece of advice.
Get yourself sterilized and stop the chain of violence.
Uh, you, pork roast, what's your game of choice?
I'm into video games that desensitize me to violence.
If there's any justice, when you grow up,
you'll be bunking with this guy's dad in prison.
Now, let me tell you little Herschel's story.
He goes home, does his homework,
stays out of trouble, and respects his parents.
News flash: when he grows up,
all you punks will be working for him.
Oh, what? You're dead.
Let's go!
And we're off to our first challenge:
Great Escape from Foster Care!
Today's inept case workers are Lazy Larry...
I say bring back child labor!
Angry Andrew...
Kids respond to a stern voice and a big muscle.
And Bernie the cross-dresser.
Legally, I'm not supposed to be around children,
but I may live next door to you.
This game, your foster family's drunk again,
so you have to grab your sibling,
crawl out the basement window, go under the backyard fence,
snatch a powdered donut for sustenance,
steal your foster mom's welfare check,
and drag your case worker across county line,
hopefully to a better life.
God speed.
We're the Deves! From the country.
We're dirty crop dusters!
We're the Gicks!
From the city.
We're playground extortionists!
We're the Hazel brothers!
Here's our final country team.
We're professional cow-tippers!
And there you have the teams. Gun up!
And they're off!
There they are, starting off through the basement window.
They're under the rusty chain-link fence.
Look at them moving, Ken.
You don't want to get your hand-me-down clothes snagged on that fence.
There they are, grabbing their powdered doughnuts for sustenance.
Haha, doughnuts.
They're moving on to the envelopes of welfare checks.
Thumbing through. Ah, how much is it?
I used to take my Nana Blankenship's social security check.
Hope we didn't get any paper cuts there.
And it looks like Jay Hazel... Uh-oh.
Taking the lead, but he's lost his social worker!
That disqualifies him.
And that means Dennis Gicks wins it for the city!
And here's our MXC Impact Replay.
Chris Deves from the country
getting himself two boo-boos and an owie, Ken.
Too bad he doesn't have a real mom who could kiss it and make it better.
Right you are. Let's meet the teams for the second race!
We're the Bazookas! They're of course from the city.
Future heiresses!
We're the Kranes! From the country?
We make meadow muffins. Indeed they do.
We're the Underwoods!
We're debutant taunters!
Gun up!
And here we go. And they're off, Ken!
There go the girls as they slip through the basement windows.
Heading up... Oh, looks like Debbie Underwood's
having a little trouble with the backyard fence.
She may have snagged a petticoat.
You know, it's too easy.
We should have electrified the fence.
Ah, good idea, Ken. Maybe for next time.
There they are, getting the donuts.
On to the checks.
Rifling through those envelopes.
Look at those girls go.
And there we've got Shannon Krane,
moving off to her freedom wagon.
She takes off!
She's got her case-worker in tow!
But look over there, Ken!
It's Megan Bazooka making a move for the finish!
And she wins it all!
Oh, if she only had parents, I'd bet they'd be proud!
The young chewing gum heiress
had a chance to talk to the Captain
and here's what she said earlier.
I'm going to get $120 million
and my own jet because I'm an air apparent.
So, there you have it.
The city kids take two races back to back.
And they're ahead 2 to nothing.
Kenny, let me show you how the Career Canister works.
Just press this little button here and... Go!
Haha, special effects. Hmm!
Yeah, I'm rich! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Uh-huh.
Hey, beat it. You smell like pee.
Hey, could you help me out?
Got a little change or something?
No. Get lost.
And scene. Good work, Ken.
You see, I'm a perfect example
of someone who paid no attention
to their education or career.
You became wealthy.
This is the crux of my educational show.
Stop talking. Let's do some more special effects.
Okay, we can do that. Whoohoo!
When MXC returns,
it's time for Sinkers and Floaters!
So remember to clean up after yourself,
you little brat.
MXC is back
with more city kids versus farm kids.
It's street hos versus...
Ah, forget it.
Wow, this thing is really cool, Vic.
Yes, Ken, it's all a part of what I came up with of my program to show kids
the importance of planning a career in your life.
Let's try it now. No!
Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, hold on. What?
See, that's the thing.
You've got to be more specific
about your career, what you want to do.
Okay, I want to be in sports
where everybody'll know who I am.
Okay... I think you're rushing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pulling it.
Whoa!
Vic, what the hell are we?
Well, Kenny, just like you said,
we are in sports and everyone knows who we are.
We are professional sporting franchise mascots.
Hey, Vic, what do I look like from this angle?
Haha! Kenny!
It's time for Sinkers and Floaters,
where the contestants must cross the river
without swallowing a mouthful of septic sludge.
What is the safety sludge today, Ken?
That's pig pen drainage from the Forage Club of Calcutta. Get it on!
Good stuff. Will & Grace!
First up for the city, that's Scott Holmes.
He goes to Bobby Trendy High School.
Yeah, his favorite class is outdoor manscaping.
Oh! Oh!
And that, my friend, is our MXC Impact Replay.
Look right here, Vic,
He does a dirty throw pillow into a metrosexual plunge.
Indeed!
Next up for the country, Corinne Clampett.
She's an outhouse overflow monitor.
Oh! Get the shovel and clean up her run. Right you are, Ken.
Definitely a runny run if there ever was one.
Looks like she's going to be okay there.
Let's take a look at that on replay, Ken.
Yeah, right here.
She loses her protective seat cover in the water.
Right you are, Ken.
Clean and sanitized for you protection,
but it didn't seem to help her any.
Yeah, she wonders if she should go back and get it.
But right here, she's getting cramps.
Here's inner city's Jack Salerno.
Won a science fair by building his own meth lab.
Oh! He got totally tweaked.
Yeah, he's thinking about a bump of cry,
but he's crying about his bumps.
Right you are, Ken.
Here's Loretta Manheim.
In her Home Ec class her cornpone cake
made a mess on the classroom floor.
You can see right there...
Oh! She's down!
Looks like her muffin's ready to come out of the oven too, Vic.
Right you are, Ken. Earlier, she spoke with Guy.
I brought my recipe for Swirly Brown Betty.
Are you hungry?
I'm a bachelor.
Guy always has an appetite.
Oh, you know, women love men that can cook.
Really? Guy's open for anything.
Then I'll give you some cooking tips.
The first one is, wash your hands.
They stink.
Seriously.
Next up, Brenda Andilan from Beverly Hills Prep.
Yeah, she's the school track star.
Had the same personal trainer since kindergarten. Good to know, Ken.
Oh! Oh!
Looks like she could use a little extra training there.
And next up is country's Earl Lippe.
He's a student anger management counselor.
That job would piss me off.
Had a chance to talk with him earlier.
Be careful what you say; words can hurt, really.
Well Kenny, it's his peace-loving, zen-like approach to life
that's a key to his success.
Oh! Oh, it!
Next up, Dave Cadigan.
He owns the copyrights to the yearbook signature phrases,
"Have a bitchin' summer," and, "Don't ever change."
Holy cow, Ken. Let's take another look.
Yeah, he's going to have a bitchin' summer...
in the hospital.
Don't... ever... change.
Next up, young Quaker Dean Mullen.
His family farms entirely by hand.
I wonder if they get Carpal Tunnel
from all that finger plowing.
Something to ponder, Ken. And look at him here.
Moving gingerly across those stones!
Oh! And he has harvested a bountiful win
for the country kids.
And here's Ann Oldenburg.
She's president of the All-Girls Investment Club.
They teach you how to forge your dad's name
so you could use his credit cards.
Right you are, Ken. Oh!
She has certainly overextended her credit.
She has maxed out. Time to call Daddy.
Next up, Luanne Crabbe, the only one
in her one-room school house who failed Tractors Ed.
Oh! She failed this, too.
Next up, Mike Burstyn.
He's a drive-thru window super-sizer.
You want fries with that?
Loser. Right you are, Ken.
Next up, Jan DuCray.
Her grandmother was the original farmer's daughter.
Does that mean her grandfather was a traveling salesman? At least one of them.
And there, Jan DuCray has made it all the way across!
This country team has finger-plowed its way
back into this competition, and we're tied at 2 to 2.
I want to be a mad scientist
and discover inventions and junk.
All right, here we go. Go!
Whoa!
What's this? What are we now?
Kenny, we're a couple of human DNA molecules,
the foundation of life as we know it in the universe.
There's nothing more powerful than that, my friend. This blows!
I don't want to be a stain in some guy's sock drawer.
I'm changing it.
When MXC returns,
it's Irritable Bowl training!
So let the potty begin!
Hey, don't jiggle the handle.
MXC is back
with city slickers versus kickers.
I want to be an astronaut.
Whoa!
Oh, where are we?
Well, Kenny, this is the Mars of the future.
This is what a career in aerospace can bring you.
Hello, there. Whoa, why's it flat and made of cardboard?
Don't be silly, Ken. It's not the real Mars.
It's merely an artist's rendering
of what it might look like.
What's that?
That of course is the low-income Martian projects.
Is that a bush? No, that's an actual Martian.
And it's time for Irritable Bowl Training.
The object: stay in the bowl, slide down the slope
without getting flushed into the child-proof safety fluid.
Which, today, is toxic chemicals
that adults are supposed to keep locked under the sink.
Right you are, and here's M on M to start us off.
The colorful gay gangster rappers.
Of course, voted as MXC's most popular characters
by a Yahoo internet group.
Bag it!
And here's Enrique Basco, Jr.
And don't forget the sauce! His family owns an almond farm.
When he grows up, he wants to be a nut-puller just like his dad.
Yeah. Oh! Right there, he soaked his cashews.
Right you are, Ken.
Let's take another look at that.
Right here, he's into a half-Planter,
into a soggy pistachio...
Oh, but his peanut is too brittle
and he gets shelled.
Indeed!
Next up, chronic bad girl Kathy Herbert.
I have a sweet tooth!
Ew! Ew!
She likes to take candy from strangers, Ken. Push it!
And she runs with scissors.
And she also forgot to look both ways
before sliding down the slope, Ken!
Let's see what she does... Oh!
She's in and... over!
What a shame. She's going to get grounded for sure.
Next up for the country, Hank Lovett!
I breed ass!
He studies donkey husbandry.
I think I saw that in Tijuana.
I think you might be right, Ken.
Oh! Look at that; he has tumbled out of his bowl!
Clinging desperately...
All the way down and into the fluid, Ken.
And that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Right here, he's mule-kicked out of the bowl
and back into a sliding Eeyore.
And he pins his tail on that one, Vic.
Right you are, Ken. Look at me!
Ah, there's Derek Fell, aka "pork roast."
He's the captain of the Roosevelt High School
Water Polio team.
Keep looking at me! Yeah, they're the Fighting Iron Lungs.
As you can see, most Iron Lungers starve for attention.
Also not used to being in an unpressurized environment, Ken.
Having a little trouble.
Oh! And he can't keep it in the bowl.
What a shame! Don't look at me!
And as M on M rub it in, let's go down to Guy.
Ah, here, move closer to me.
That was a very impressive run.
Are you comfortable in the water, huh?
Uh, yeah. I'm very buoyant.
I can stay afloat for quite a long time.
Oh, you are such a big boy.
Does it help you stay above the water, your girth?
What, are you calling me fat, you little freak?
Oh, yes, I am.
I go out with friends!
Here's Rick Butterworth.
He's a syrup siphon sucker from Sherborn.
Yeah, his mom has had her mouth on every tree trunk in Vermont.
Right you are, Ken. And look how he's doing here!
Oh! And he is out of the bowl and into the fluid!
What a shame.
I can swallow my fist!
Here's Binty Babaganoosh, recently kicked out
of George W. Middle School in Tikrit, Iraq,
for wearing a low-rise burka.
Yeah, she got busted for flashing her eyebrow.
Oh! And she blasted into the water there, Ken.
She flashes the sign of victory
and puts the city team in the lead.
Better not make fun of me!
Next up, Victor von Mansfield,
troubled loner and president of the high school gun club.
And an excellent marksman. Right you are, Ken.
Oh! And it looks like he might have pulled his trigger a little early,
and he's into the fluid.
I have no hair down there. Here's Mark Beluzzi.
He's a seventh-grader who insists on wearing his underwear
into the shower after gym class.
I never wore underwear in high school.
I went commando. Good thing you grew out of that, Ken.
No, I didn't. Here, look. I prefer not to, Ken.
And that run sends Mark and his skivvies back to the locker room.
Stand by your man!
Here's Loretta Youngster from Tennessee.
She's a coal-miner's step-daughter.
She's already engaged to be married.
It'll be her second marriage and the first for him.
Let's see how she does here.
Oh! And the honeymoon is over for Loretta.
And as M on M taunt her on, let's go down to Guy.
That must be so challenging, to be in a family
where your step-father spends his day deep in dirty holes,
looking for a thick, black vein.
Oh, well... Tell Guy your story.
Mm, I was born a coal-miner's step-daughter
in a cabin in Butcher Holler.
Mm-hmm.
We were poor, but we had love.
Oh! A little bit too much for me,
but my step-daddy, he made sure we always had a warm bed.
Was everyone in it? Oh, yeah.
I'm hot for teacher!
Next up for the city, this is Todd Mildebrandt.
He cracked the parental lock on the school's TV system.
Now they can watch porn in homeroom.
Ah, educational stuff, Ken. Let's see how he does here.
Oh! And he was ejeculated.
Let's take another look at that on reply.
Right here, Vic. He just TiVo'd himself.
Kenny. And again.
I sniff wet wool!
Here's Mary Mutton. She had a little lamb.
Apparently, it followed her to school one day and was lost.
Here's what she had to say.
If you see my pet lamb, call 555-5555.
I think I saw her lamb laying on the side of the road.
It was still twitching, so I backed over it with my Jetta.
Well, tough call, but it's the only humane thing to do.
Oh! And let's see...
Oh, she makes it, Ken!
The country team is twitching with excitement
as Mary Mutton makes it happen.
And we're all tied up at 3 to 3.
Haha! Whoa, Vic, what are we now?
Like, chauffeurs or something? No, Kenny.
We are dignified employees of the United States Postal Service.
You see, we deliver the mail to places just like this.
If we're postal workers, where are our guns?
Kenny, we don't carry guns.
We carry packages. Oh.
News. Well, what if we're attacked by a dog?
Well, you just give it a nice little kick and maybe a treat and...
What if it's a mountain lion?
Well, you give it a little bigger kick, like this.
And what if it's a zombie, try to eat your brain?
You shoot it in the head and kick it like that!
When MXC comes back, things get gnarly
on Rotating Surfboard of Death, Jr.
We're back for MXC's final battle
between the country bumpkins and city blumpkins.
All right, Ken, now here's one of the most difficult parts of our job:
delivering unpopular mail like subpoenas, jury summons,
restraining orders, things like that.
Hey, let's put a burning bag of dog doo on his porch.
Come on, Kenny, be professional.
Oh, God! Ah! Ah!
Pedal like the wind! Run!
Save yourself! Ah!
Hey, you kids, get out of my yard!
Let's go to Rotating Surfboard of Death, Jr.
Right you are, Captain.
It's time for Rotating Surfboard of Death, Jr.,
where our nubile juveniles will catch a wave,
dodge the dolphin, or die.
Get it on!
First up, Donnie Backdraft.
I like loud-mouths and panicked people!
He's a chronic fire alarm-yanker.
He's just trying to get out of his tests.
Right you are, Ken. Let's see how he does here.
Oh, he's right over that pink dolphin.
Oh! Oh!
And that's our MXC Impact Replay.
Let's take look, Ken.
You can see right here he starts off
with a finely coiled firehose.
And right there... All hook but no ladder.
His short career on Surfboard of Death has been extinguished.
Right you are, Ken.
Well done.
Next up...
I'm always afraid. Lisa Van Dyke.
She makes her own custom compost
and hopes to someday start her own company, Crap in a Barrel.
Yeah, she's a self-soiler.
Right you are, Ken. Let's see how she does here.
Oh! Looks like she soiled herself on the dolphin.
What a shame.
Here's Kim Withrow. No one understands me.
She's your typical self-absorbed,
depressed cheerleader.
Let's see how she does here.
Oh! Oh!
Man, she's going to pout all day now.
Right you are, Ken.
Batter up! All right, let's go.
Here's Jim Gott.
He's a mailbox batter from Arlington, Texas.
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow
will keep him from smashing his neighbors' mailboxes.
Right you are, Ken.
Oh! Let's take a look at that on replay.
He starts with a full frontal return-to-sender,
and postage is due.
He just banged his priority package. Indeed.
I prefer mine dry.
Here's Arnold F. Kennedy.
He's a cafeteria sommelier from Chappaquiddick Prep.
Somm-el-ier? What's that?
It's a wine steward, Ken.
Oh. We had a guy like that. Coach Bob.
He'd buy us beer. Good to know, Ken.
And there goes Arnold onto the platform.
Trying out a cabernet olé.
And, oh, there's a double-lead bunghole corker!
And it looks like it's a fine, oaky finish.
And he puts the city up 4 to 3.
I grew my shirt. Here's Sally Verizon.
She's the first little girl in her one-horse town to get a cell phone.
Yeah, it's two cans and a string. Right you are, Ken.
Oh! But there's no roaming charges.
Let's see that again on replay. Aw, man!
Right here, she rolls over those minutes,
and is disconnected.
Right you are, Ken. Haha.
Here's Lisa Bodren.
Check me for flaws.
She's a class ring gemologist.
And, oh, she drops like a rhinestone.
She might as well baguette. See what I did there, Ken?
Down, Sid Haig!
Anyway, here's Deshawn Flutie.
He's the second-string quarterback
on his three-man football team.
We had a chance to talk to him earlier about his future plans.
Yeah, I'm gonna drop out of school, enter the draft early,
buy my mama a double-wide trailer.
Well, he can tie this whole thing up, Ken,
with a good run here.
There's a little sub. Oh! Into a wing-t.
A nice pulling guard.
I think he's going to go right into a flea flicker onto the platform!
Get out of my way. Deshawn, moving nicely.
His backfield is in motion...
and right there, a full student body
right onto the platform.
Deshawn scores one for the country,
and we end in a tie, 4 to 4.
Like they say in the country,
a tie is like kissing your sister.
Yes. But actually in some parts of the country, Ken,
that's considered a win.
Just like this.
It's time for Kenny Blankenship's
Most Painful Eliminations of the Day!
Starting us out at number 10: nut-puller Enrique Basco.
He's dry-roasted, toasted,
and this is one event he couldn't crack.
And at number 9, Chris Deves has trouble escaping from foster care.
Guess he just couldn't bear his case-worker.
And at number 8, donkey breeder Hank Lovett.
He loves asses and spends his entire run on his.
Number 7 goes to alarm-puller Donnie Backdraft.
He starts his run on fire,
but is quickly extinguished by sludge!
Number 6 is Luanne Crabbe,
who finds out the true meaning of "slippery when wet."
And number 5, mailbox batter Jim Gott.
He gets ejected from this game.
You're out!
Number 4 goes to porn-watcher Todd Mildebrandt
who does his own version of the money shot.
And at number 3, it's yearbook copyrighter Dave Cadigan
who crushes his sternum.
Oh! Have a great summer... recuperating.
At number 2, cheerleader Kim Withrow.
Hey, Kim, give me an L-O-S-E-R!
What's that spell? "Loser!"
And my most painful elimination of the day
goes to Scott Holmes, outdoor manscaper,
whatever the hell that is.
Scott loses not only one, not two, but three nards.
Ouch!
Kenny, take us out.
Uh, okay.
Uh, what do we always say...
What the heck was it? Come on, Kenny.
- Oh, yeah. - Don't get eliminated!
Ugh, Kenny.